A college Spanish teacher was explaining to her 'Spanish I' class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lapiz".
A student asked, 'What gender is "computer"?
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that "computer" should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker , and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ..."
"I assumed you had stolen the car."
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing" he thought as he flew down the Interstate, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this." and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
Almost without a pause the gentleman said, "Two years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
An man and wife, married over 50 years, were playing a round of golf.
On the 12th tee the husband says, "I have a confession to make. It has weighed on my conscience for many years and I have to get it off my chest. When we had been married for only a couple of years I had an affair. It only lasted a few months and I have never been unfaithful since."
His wife of many years looked him in the eye and said, "I forgive you. You have been a model spouse in all other ways for all these years."
On the 18th green, just as they about to walk off the course, the wife says to her husband, "I, too, have a confession. It has weighed on my conscience for many years and I need to come clean."
"Yes", the husband replied hesitantly.
"Three years before we were married I had a sex change operation."
Stunned the husband threw his clubs to the ground. "I can't believe this. How could you? How could you deceive me like that for all these years! This is unforgiveable. I have been cheated."
"All these years you've been playing from the RED TEES!"
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord thought about it for a long time then replied ...
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
I'm not as dumb as you think!
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show that blondes really are smart. While her roommate is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her roommate leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her roomate arrives home at 6:30 PM, as usual, and smells the distinctive smell of paint, then the roommate walks into the living room and finds her friend lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. The industrious friend is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. Worried, the roommate goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
The roommate asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to her that not all blondes are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
The roommate then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said ...
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says ...
"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"
Everything has it's place
Roz and Gloria were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Roz was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Gloria, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Roz explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Gloria sighed and said ...
"Gloria, those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
Loved the book ... hated the movie
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the ER doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your fingertip?"
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, "I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants ... I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened ... I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise."
"So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Shade Tree Auto Repair
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said ...
"Duh, like hello! You have to roll up the windows first."
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied..
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied ...
"Two popsicles and some coffee."
A Sad Tale
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away. I'm exhausted, too, because I couldn't sleep."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Go home, take a couple of days off and tend to your family and get some rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's happened? Are you okay?" he asks.
"NO!" exclaimed the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister."
"Her mother died, too!"
Puns allegedly are the highest level of language development. Here are the top entries in a recent 'International Pun Contest'.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I share these with the hope that at least one of the puns makes you laugh. No pun in ten did?
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter."
"You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,"You're kidding me!"
The social worker said ...
"Yeah, well, you started it."
One day an Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly nae a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous red-head! She strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, in a brogue that was music to his ears, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a snout?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Scot. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He took one, lit it, and took a long drag. "I swear by the blood of Bonny Prince Charlie, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!", said the man
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of Scotch whisky?" asked the blonde .
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask of 18 year old single malt Scotch and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Scotsman. "Tis truly fantastic."
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the front of her wet suit. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Scot fell to his knees and sobbed, ...
"Sweet Mary & Joseph! Nae tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations and ...
"I've changed my will three times!"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late...... but he was a good worker - really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded, a real credit to the company and, obviously, was good at demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though - your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
Charley replied, ....
'They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"'
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots. This is the first warning I have seen for men. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you're packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen nine times two months ago, once twice in one day.
Also eight times last month, and again twice in one day.
Then three times last Monday and, very likely, again this weekend.
[ Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's and Home Depot. ]
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff. Immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some obnoxious jerk using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said ...
"What makes you think I'd marry another obnoxious jerk?"
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll."
When you are young & dumb - speed & flash may seem a good thing! When you get older & smarter comfort is not such a bad thing! Us older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, I was told the keys had been locked in it. I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he replied ...
"I know - I already got that side."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked ..
"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they"re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I"m in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don"t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I"d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I"d also like whipped cream. I"m certain you"ll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don"t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocked on the window.
The driver rolled down the window and asked,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.